Thursday, December 13, 2007

To Rise Above

I have spent every day this week Rising Above.
Crap keeps following me.
I am extremely grateful that I have a job that can help to support my family. I am grateful that my son is healthy and strong. I am grateful that my husband and I are both healthy.

I am bringing to me good things. I fill my head with positive thoughts and embody the change that I want to see in the world.

I am a happiness frickin' magnet... Bring on the warm fuzzies....

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Get off the Couch and Bend

I have been stuck in Blah mode for the past couple of days. I just can't seem to shake it. I have tried sleep, chocolate and bitching to a girlfriend. None of them helped. So, what to do?

Yoga have been on my mind. I am seriously neglecting of this practice in my life. I am deeply in love with the practice of yoga. Problem is, I feel as though I have no community and no space in my life to support it. Everyone who "yoga's" is transient in my sphere of life. Time is another thing entirely. Mom to a beautiful toddler, wife to a handsome man and teacher to a roomful of hooligans I hardly have time to dress myself, let alone bend myself into heart and soul opening postures.

The other trouble is money. I have serious guilt about spending precious buckaroos to attend workshops and yoga classes. They are my resources, and guilt is unproductive, but it is there nonetheless.

What to do?

I have been searching the net for books to help me get into the mind space I need to be in. I am slightly unsure this is the correct route, but it is the one I am treading.

I will let you know how it goes :)

Happy Wednesday.

Monday, October 15, 2007


Feeling rather blah the last twenty four hours. I need either some motivation or a good solid day off to rest and recoup. Since I seem to have neither, it's on with my day.

Saturday, October 13, 2007


I recently came across some apparently age old advice that directed me to focus on the process rather than on the goal. One is more likely to achieve the goal that way. It's about making choices. Every time we turn around we are making a choice. Do we eat McDonald's or make our own lunch? Do we walk there or drive? Do we exercise or sit on the couch? Do we bitch about our day, or do we talk about the things we want to accomplish? Do we change, or do we stay the same? It's all a matter of choice.

We have the power to change ourselves. As a being, we are constantly in a state of flux. That person that we think we are changes from moment to moment. Our cells change, the position of our bodies change. The things we perceive change. Our thoughts change. That entity that we think of as ourselves is simply a shell that houses our true self, the one that observes our life from within. Are you really your haircut, or your jeans? Are you (and I truly hope you are not) your waist size? Or the shape of your breasts? The answer is no. These are all discrete parts of our outsides. Who we are is inside. We are tabula rasa, a blank slate on which we can write whatever we choose. Trouble is, we often choose the easy path, the one we recognize and are familiar with. Even if it hurts us. Even if we hate it. More often than not, we choose it. This is where suffering is born. Out of choosing from habit rather than from mindful reflection.

Do I sound like a self help junkie yet?

Choose to recreate yourself in your own ideal image. Choose happiness. Choose life. Choose you.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Blog day for the MOTHERS act.

On a different note, I also found some very interesting stuff on Postpartum Depression. This is a serious disease. I suffered from it after the birth of my son. It is debilitating. Sadly, very little is known about what causes PPD. I was one of the unfortunate few who suffer with it. It affects 20% of new moms. Only 7% of those get screened and properly treated. Something must be done. A Blog community that I am a part of is organizing some action and I would like to show my support by posting their button here. Please link to it. Take a look. Maybe save a life. Maybe mine. Maybe yours.

BlogHers Act: Blog Day for the Mothers Act

Take Your Soapbox and Go Home.

An interesting article in the blogosphere caught my eye tonight. It touches on an old controversy and struck a chord with me. I wanted to share it here.

Is God Pro Choice?

After reading this article I find myself chuckling over the amount of people there still are out there that feel the need to push their agendas on others . I realize that, just by putting this out there, this blogger was inviting a debate. I wonder sometimes, though, if these pro lifers lurk in the shadows of blogland just waiting for a Pro Choice article to be posted so they can assert their beliefs.

For Heavens sake people, take your soapbox elsewhere. We know who you are, and we know what you think. You make it crystal clear with all the dangerous protests you stage. Please, just live and let live. Worry about yourself and let the rest of the world do the same.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Vote. Be informed. Read. Improve yourself.

It's Voting Day today in Ontario. I have been asking everyone I know about the new political system that we are voting on, and I have found that surprisingly most people are either uninformed or against the idea because it is new. I have no problem with people disagreeing with me, but it makes me sad to know that people will be voting against the new system because they simply do not have a clear idea of what they are voting on.

On a different note, I have been diving into non fiction literature. I had found myself disillusioned with fiction. I was getting nothing out of it. Hence, I was not reading. Since picking up "Hip Tranquil Chick" I have a list of about a dozen books that I would like to read. I guess self improvement, and personal expansion seems more productive to me than spending time reading purely for the purpose of escaping reality.

Have a wonderful day :)

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Post Holiday Weekend Update

Happy Thanksgiving Canada! I have just completed my families first Thanksgiving without my beloved Nana, who passed away about a month ago. The table seemed empty somehow without her immense personality there to fill it. More through circumstance than planning a space was left empty at the dinner table, ironically where she most likely would have sat right between my Pippy and I. I noticed and felt her absence. I know most of us did.

My husband and son have stayed behind with the family for a few days, while I had to return to Toronto to work today. I will be sans family tonight after school. I think I am going to take in a yoga class and then come home to relax, regroup and write in my journal.

I hit the consignment store just before we left, and found this lovely pink lace tunic top with brushed gold hoop earrings and a pretty gold and pink necklace. I was dressed to my own satisfaction this holiday, and it only cost me 10$!

Picked up a new book; "Girl Seeks Bliss" By Nicole Beland. Quite good so far. She is reviewing Buddhism right now and hitting my own leanings quite squarely on the head. I have gotten a few book suggestions from this first chapter which I will be checking out after this book is completed. I am clearly on a new path, or rather more solidly and commitedly choosing to follow a path that I have been toying with for a number of years.

Yay Me!

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Yoga Thoughts

These thoughts were reverently stolen from Kimberly Wilson's "Hip Tranquil Chick" Blog. I was browsing through her archives last night and came across this. After I went to bed I found myself musing on a few of them. I went back this morning and copied them over. Very deep stuff.

- meditation, psychology, and yoga are 3 pieces of the well-being pyramid
- areas of closure are teased open with yin practice
- if you observe it, you are not fully lead by it (you become more mindful)
- restlessness is not your basic nature.
- meditation helps balance out the frenetic energy.
- our demons are fed by our resistance to them.
- no moment in life is trivial -- pay attention to subtleties.
- what you tell yourself becomes the experience.

These musings are attributed to Sarah Powers.
I can't wait to explore them at more length, when there's time.

Happy Saturday!

Friday, October 05, 2007

Friday Musings

I have been spending time every morning listening to podcasts on the bus. I have discovered that this is a time in my day when I am accomplishing nothing but moving from one point to another. What a perfect opportunity to expand my mind. This morning it was some seriously deep Buddhist Metaphysics from the Zencast library. Along the lines of what we perceive isn't actually there. As viewers we impose meaning and label upon objects, rather than them imposing their meaning onto us as viewers. Therefore, our perceptions are unique to us and are vehicles to the creation of suffering, which is the first Noble Truth. I had to back up and replay four or more parts of this podcast, just to get the subtle meanings straight. Yesterday it was Catching Suffering before it Begins. The message here was that our suffering is born of our own attachments and inner chatter. Our monkey mind, willing to jump at a moments notice, brings us to anxiety and suffering without our conscious will. If we are aware of it, and draw it back to the moment, we can begin to reduce our suffering. I think I am starting to see a pattern here. I think this week was about mindfulness.

How wonderful to start my day by focusing my mind and reminding myself to stay present and mindful throughout my day.

Now if only I could teach my grade ones this.......

Friday, September 28, 2007


What a week! Yesterday was about the scariest day I have had in quite a long time. Somewhere between home and work yesterday morning I lost my glasses. I have a fabulous pair of Rx Sunglasses that I switch to on my way to work. When I got to my desk, I reached for my daily glasses only to find out that they weren't where I thought they were. 1 sprint in heels to retrace my steps to the bus stop later, I still had no idea where they were. I was terrified. I am useless without my glasses. What was I going to do? The bell was going to ring in mere minutes and I had no idea how I was going to get through attendance, let alone the rest of my day.

Thankfully I am blessed to be part of a staff of wonderful human beings. I had many offers of rides, supervision for my class, and assistance in my search. I called in a replacement for the day and hightailed it out the door in search of my spectacles. I have yet to find them. I believe they are lost. I have a new pair coming next week.

This experience really served to punctuate for me how reliant I am on my glasses. I was embarrassed, convinced that I had been careless or that it would be perceived that way. I was scared that I would not be able to do my job properly without them. It brought up quite a few strong emotions. I was surprised. Regardless, I breathed through most of them and stayed fairly balanced and calm. There was a time when I would have totally panicked and dissolved into uselessness almost immediately. I managed to keep it together, take care of my responsibilities and attempt to track down my missing item. Not bad for a Hip Tranquil Chick in training!

My wish for the future is that October will bring some calm and some peace.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Quick and Dirty

Just a quick note for a new day. I woke this morning with my mind already going on how to change my life. I am quite excited about this. My BFF and I are going shopping at Ikea for a couple hours. I can't wait!

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Enter; the Hip Tranquil Chick!

I purchased a new book today, after surfing amazon.ca with my tea. I am not sure how I came across it, or what lead me to it, but I am thrilled with my purchase. It is exactly what I need!

The book is called "Hip Tranquil Chick: A Guide to Life On and Off the Yoga Mat" written by Kimberly Wilson. It explores all the things I have been ruminating about of late; creating a personal yoga practice that suits my lifestyle, dressing to reflect who I am, creating a vision for who I would like to be and consciously making choices to fulfill that vision, and being hip and tranquil the whole time! I dove right into it when I came home. I think I might have found my new bible....

One of the first things I did after opening this book was run to get a highlighter, pencil and journal to write in. (You know I am serious when..) I started my examining the "if only's"

- if only I were less fat
- if only I had more money
- more time
- better communication with my partner
- more time
- a more tranquil child
- more like minded friends
- more freedom
- more time....

and then I continued on to identifying my values. These things are supposed to help me create a vision statement for who I want to be. (I haven't created that yet, but I will)

I flipped to the back of the book and read about wardrobing.... lots of ideas for how to spruce up my wardrobe, which has been needing it and organize my life, which has also been needing it.

I am pumped about this book. I haven't been this excited about ANYTHING in a long time.

We'll see where it goes :) I will be back soon ...

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Practicing Acceptance

As I grow into my role as a mom and as a partner, I find myself more and more needing to accept the limitations and realities of my life. As a woman with a disability, NOT accepting limits has driven me. It has been key in bringing me to where I am in my life. I have made a practice of pushing limits, questions boundaries and outright defying people and situations that believed I couldn't do something.

That practice is beginning to be harmful rather than helpful.


What now?

My husband mentioned to be the other day, in his infinite wisdom, that perhaps this practice needs to be re-examined. He did so after I got frustrated with my son, for the billionth time, when he didn't do what I thought he should do and how I thought he should be doing it.

He's right you know.

In the Feb 2006 issue of Yoga Journal, there is an excellent article about practicing acceptance. Is it just about gritting your teeth and bearing with situations you don't like? Or is it about opening yourself to the moment and being authentically present to that moment whatever it might hold?

Well duh, you say, it's the latter, but have you really tried to be that person?
It's not as easy as it sounds. The author of this piece said it took her years to really grasp the truth of acceptance.
Years? I don't have that long!

Really though, I have years, even decades to perfect this practice of accepting my life. Why not start right now, today.

As the old proverb goes, a journey of a thousand miles (and trust me, this one is a dousy) starts with a single step.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Since no one is interested in answering my question we move on... :)

Some interesting developments have happened over the last week or so. An old employer of mine called to see if I was interested in coming to work for them for the summer. I am quite happy to . I used to teach for them and now they want me to come back and teach their French program. That's the funny thing about French, no one can speak the damn language in this country. Thank god I paid attention in high school! So, as a nice bonus, I will be stepping slowly back into the working world and by doing so getting my brain back into that mode. I will also be making some extra money which means that I can buy a new work wardrobe without any guilt! (which of course is the most important thing here:P)

I am pleased that I now seem to have the power in the work situation. Speaking a second language seems to have worked incredibly well for me. Maybe I should imrove my skill.....hmmm......

Monday, June 18, 2007

Here's a question.....

If women are supposed to be the childbearers and the caregivers, why are we not provided with more fortitude? Why are we not granted more mental and emotional endurance?
Just a curiousity...

Snot, sweat and other body fluids....

Well, it's official. I have received my "Mom papers"

I got puked on the other day.

It was creepy. I swear it happened in slow motion. I was holding Mason just after his bath, rocking him to sleep and he just opened his mouth and.... out it flew. It hung in midair for a moment, just long enough for me to see where it was going to land, and then dropped. It gave me just enough time to move my arm so it landed on me (What? Not on something else? No, Must protect the furniture! ) I was then covered from neckline to waist in.... you guessed it.... baby barf.

It's official.
Puke on me before puke on anything else equals a frightening shift in priorities that no one warned me was coming.

Someone needs to warn the people....
Spread the word.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

What? Who am I?

I am shocked.

I just went to write my "About Me" on Facebook. I froze. I cannot describe who I am. I do not have a defined sense of who I am anymore. I think I used to, but becoming a mother threw it all into question.

Back to the drawing board I guess.....
Am I making too much out of this?

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Coming through the darkness.
Yup, that's me.
A spelunker of the darkness.

I got so caught in being a victim of my situation. I was so frustrated with the lack of sleep, the constant demands on my time, the never ending list of things to accomplish that I simply had not stopped, looked up and realized where I actually was. I am in the presence of life unfolding.

Duh! How much happier a moment in your life can there possibly be?

This is MUCH easier said than it is believed, but I have finally stopped.
Looked up.
And realized.

I have it all. A home. A family of my own. A husband who loves me, maybe not perfectly, but deeply and truly. I have realized one of my dreams. I have lived in TO. I wanted to do this and I have done it. There are many people who don't have these things and I do.
I am beginning to appreciate that.

I think that seeing the naturopath has solved one of the big problems that was keeping me down. I had felt so physically awful for so long that I had lost perspective. She has given me energy. Energy has given me life again.

Good Night :) Sleep well all. My baby is, I will and I hope you do to.

Monday, June 11, 2007

The Hip Mom; Domesticated

I fixed it!

My son has very thick ankles. So thick that his baby shoes, the hippest little baby shoes to have, do not fit. They leave blisters on his poor little ankles. I devised a solution to this problem about a month ago, but only found all the materials, the time and a cooperative son all at the same moment yesterday.

Said shoes have elastics holding the ankles together, so I removed the elastic and replaced it with a longer piece, thereby making the shoes fit. This is not as easy a project as it sounds. Once you cut the elastic it wants to run and hide in the shoe, so you have to use one of your presumably three hands to hold the one end, cut the elastic and hold the other end. Then, you have to tie the new elastic to the old elastic to pull it through. Once it is pulled through, the shoe must be installed on the wriggling and curious babies foot and the elastic measured to fit. Tie it off and cut. Yay! Shoe that fits! Now to make a pair...... half an hour later we have a pair that fits. I can't wait to do the next pair......

So, I fixed it! Without having to spend more than a Dollar. Good for me :) Welcome to motherhood... where necessity and frugality are the mothers of invention :)

Monday, June 04, 2007

Happy Thoughts

This Mama is going for a professional Massage tonight.... I can hardly wait....

To add to the generally thrilling news, I just bought a new mattress to be delivered on Wednesday, AND the air will be getting turned on this week. So, I figure, don't get in my way until about Thursday, and you might have a chance of actually living if you might possibly anger me :)

Soooooooo excited right now:)

Saturday, June 02, 2007

For the Love of Happiness, and Sanity .

I made a decision a few days back that I have been entirely too negative of late. So, I made the executive decision to change my perspective.

Motherhood is not simply a monumental change in ones life. It is a complete paradigm shift in ones reality. Like your old clothes, your old beliefs simply do not fit quite right anymore. So, as you shop for new blue jeans you also shop for new perspective. Some people find it right away, like those girls who fit immediately back in to their old blue jeans. Others, while taking eight months to squeeze back into what used to be a favorite pair of pants also take the better part of the first year to realign their beliefs with this new role that has been thrust upon them.

I am part of the latter group.

I never thought it would take me this long to habituate to motherhood. For some reason I thought that it would fall into my life as easily as a peanut butter bagel in the mornings. Ha. Was I ever wrong.

So.... where was I?
Ah yes. Paradigm shifts from being entirely too negative.

I must love myself, and my reality. This mind shift is the only way that I am going to accept and retrain my mind to the reality that 10pm is my bedtime, and as much as I might want to sleep in, 6am is my wake up call everyday of my life now. No more weekend sleep in's. There is a trade off of course, one gets to watch life take shape. That hasn't been enough up to now. I am trying to change that.

Wish me luck :)

Friday, June 01, 2007

Motherhood is not for Wimps and other such truisms

I have come to the conclusion that you need to be ten people in order to be a mom.


If you are my sister in law, yes.
If you are me, not so much.

This mom is flirting with PPD. I have good days and bad days, like most moms. My good days are great. My bad days are terrible. Here's hoping today is a good day.